"Our fathers were our models for god. If our fathers failed..."

I've been pretty introspective lately. There are a lot of things about my life that I have only begun to realize over the course of the last six months that, due to my so-called "1/5-life-crisis", have forced me into a state of hibernation, a five minute ritual I now go through every morning: one of short-lived paralysation that feels like it has lasted an eternity. I find myself clinging to the ideals of Fight Club and its slings at less-than-adequate father figures; becoming repeatedly consumed by The Suicide Club, desiring its 59 pages of nihilistic integrity and relating to the desperate cowardess in its patrons.

I become terribly annoyed by people--a large majority reeking of dishonesty, disloyalty, feces. Saying one thing, meaning another, and vice-versa. Claiming things like "love", and "respect", acting as if they're mutually exclusive, and becoming angry when you reciprocate. Instead of telling you what's bothering them, they treat you as if they "put up" with you, like their friendship is a cheap christmas present wrapped in newspaper clippings of a brutal homicide.

Who knows. I'll probably wake up tomorrow morning and be right as rain. I'll wake up regretting this article about as much as the last time I made out with someone. I'll remember that I probably sounded pretentious and emo. I'll give myself five minutes to question my passions as a gamer/writer/techno junky. I'll think I should probably go to the library instead of finish my Oblivion quest. I'll wonder if I'll ever finish that novel, or if I'm going to be one of those washed up souls who does technical support for Dell, my dreams of being a writer fading away like the memory of a dream. I'll wonder in a neurotic fervour whether or not my friends are saying shit behind my back about something stupid I may have done/said that made me look childish. I'll wonder why she said she never wanted me to change.

Then I'll pick myself up, like I do every morning, when those five minutes are over. I'll look in the mirror, laugh at myself a little, and realize it's not all that bad. It could be much worse.

Peace,
Ram